A couple days ago I had applied for a job. I was feeling the pressures of society, the notion that you need to be contributing and making money in order to be someone of worth. I was embarrassed that when people asked me what I did today my answer was something along the lines of, “Oh, I just practiced yoga, played with my dog, and watched some Netflix,” and the typical response received was, “Nice! That sounds like a relaxing day off!” Knowing that I am sitting at home while other people work at their jobs, made me feel inadequate. So I put on my happy face, gave myself a pep talk, and applied for a part-time job.
Today, I got a phone call saying that I got the job. I graciously accepted at first, but as soon as I hung up the phone the feelings of regret gnawed away at my stomach. I tried to ignore them at first, telling myself that it was good that I got a job and that it would help me feel better to get out into the world and push myself. But then I thought, I do not feel well… why am I pushing myself to work?
So an hour later, I called them back. At first I was going to lie, as I do with most important things like jobs, and school. But when I heard that “hello” on the other side of the line, my courage pushed through and I allowed myself to be honest. I thanked them for the opportunity, and said that I had thought about it and it just wasn’t the right job for me at the moment. After being asked why, and if there was anything that would change my mind, I maintained my composure while explaining that I have some anxiety, and other health problems that may make me unreliable. I stated that I was very interested in the position, but needed to go see my doctor and sort my health problems out before committing.
I feel good about what I said. Being honest felt better than any lie I would have normally told, and the best part is, that they were still interested in having me at their job in the future, if the position was still available when I was feeling better.
When I hung up the phone, I unexpectedly started to cry tears, but these tears were unlike anything I had ever experienced before. They were neither sad, nor happy. My heart was bursting with pride. I was so proud of myself that I had erupted into these tears embodying self-love and compassion. I had listened to my gut, and stood up against the society that had made my feel guilty for not working at a job. Instead of working, I am giving myself permission to take the time and effort to heal my body and soul. I feel like I cannot contribute in a way that honours myself and the way I would like to help others until I have worked on loving myself unconditionally and resolving my physical health issues. I hope that this was just the first of many future times listening to my intuition and standing up for what I think I need.